ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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