dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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