Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
