it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
