Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
