Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
