Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
