Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
