I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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