I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
