so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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