Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
he shaved USA in his pubs
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
