omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
