I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
