On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
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