dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
