A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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