My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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