im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
It's official drugs can't kill me
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
