Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
