billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
