Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
