Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
he had hair everywhere except his balls
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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