i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
They have beer where we have blood.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
