The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
