I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Randomize
