dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
