Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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