I love black thongs
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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