i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
