I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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