Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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