I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
