Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
