Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
