I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
