i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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