That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
