I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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