I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
