he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
