I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My life is pants optional.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
