Soap is not a condiment
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Did I show you my penis last night?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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