I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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