I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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