i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
