Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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