We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
