i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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