somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
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